Dear Friend,
For whatever has brought you here, I am truly sorry—for your heartbreak and the tears that line your face. I pray that my words will help bring you healing, courage, and hope.
Healing is a process that is as unique as each person God made in His image. Unfortunately, most people want a pill and a verse. Then presto! The healing happens. I do know that healing, at least for the hard stuff like this, just doesn’t happen that way. But I also know that God does heal, and He does give grace during the process.
While you are leaning on His grace and trusting for His healing, there are some things you can do. Philippians 2:12-13 tells us, “Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”
And so, as we are able, we must take some pro-active measures behind our faith (James 2:17-26).
Listed below are some things that I have found helpful in my journey. It is quite lengthy, so, in an attempt to not overwhelm, I have divided it into sections. Simply read, digest, and implement as you are able.
Please understand, there is no list or timeline for healing. If there were, I would have completed both, as quickly as I could have…and still hurt.
There is one true thing, though—all of our healing begins and ends at God’s throne.
And that takes us back to what I wrote about in my letter, “For those left behind.”
Get Vertical
We must get vertical and stay that way. I don’t mean bodily (though sometimes, that may be the case), but rather, in heart stance.
There is a great danger in letting our eyes and thoughts wander to those around us. In doing that, we will eventually come up with a list of people who have let us down—most likely, ending with God. All this, simply because we didn’t commit to keeping our heart-eyes on Him.
If you can’t find the words to say to God, consider starting with Psalm 102. Remember, when we are not able to even articulate our needs to God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus, God’s Son and our brother both intercede for us (Romans 8:26 and 34).
Guard Your Heart
God knows how raw your heart is right now and wants to help you guard your heart.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Get into God’s Word daily. If you can’t concentrate enough to read, then listen to the Bible on audio for as much as you are able. The Psalms are a beautiful place to sit and meditate. We can pour out our hearts in absolute honesty with the psalmists as they speak openly of their brokenness, betrayal, and disappointment.
My sister and I were together when the news came that my husband had taken his life. Like any other morning, she had started her day reading God’s Word. One verse stood out to her, and she savored it, rolling it over in her heart and mind.
“My soul melteth for heaviness: strengthen thou me according to thy word.” Psalm 119:28
Then the phone call came with the news. We moved in heavy quietness—numb and wounded. Slipping away, she found a 3×5 card and wrote the verse on it.
“My soul melteth for heaviness…”
These five words told my story. I don’t know how many words that verse initially was in Hebrew, but I find it interesting that the number five in the Bible symbolizes God’s goodness and grace. If ever I needed His goodness and grace, it was at that moment.
“…strengthen thou me according to thy word.”
Seven words said what I needed most — the only thing, the only One that could fill the hole left in my aching heart.
She handed me that card, and I carried it with me all day and over the next several years.
I still have it.
Though I would read whole chapters of the Bible, I would find my mind glazing over and struggling to retain what I had just gone through.
A couple of days before the funeral one of my brothers asked me what he could do to help. Funny how my heart worked. I sensed that he needed to do something, and I wanted him to be able to help. It was like, if I could help him help me, we would both feel better. So, I thought hard.
And I thought of that little card and told him about it. Then I requested that he ask people who came to the visitation and funeral to write down verses that had carried them through hard times. Verses that would help my daughters and me as we faced the journey ahead.
Dollar stores are the best. He bought half a dozen packs of cards, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I kept adding to my cards until…
Grip a Special Promise
As you guard your heart with God’s Word, you will find many promises that will bring you comfort and strength. So, ask Him to let you grip a special promise.
Or two. Or three. Or a dozen.
Take His promise, hold on to it, and don’t let go. For me, it was, “Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
What was God going to be faithful to do? In the verse before, the Apostle Paul was praying that God would preserve the spirit, soul, and body of those believers until Jesus returned. The Greek word that was translated preserved means “to guard.” God alone had the power to guard my spirit, soul, and body, and I needed that. Because I was in a war—and so are you.
Facedown on the floor, I would weep and remind God, “Your Word says You will do it. It says You are faithful. You will guard me. You will keep me. You will finish what you started.”
He didn’t need the reminder. I did.
Grab Yourself a Journal
Those note cards were a lifeline to peace for me, but I would also recommend that you grab yourself a journal.
More than one person who had experienced severe loss suggested that I get a journal in which to write my prayers, memories, and heart cries to God. Fortunately, this was not hard for me, as journaling was something I had done for years. Granted, it now went up a notch. I filled journal after journal with scriptures, personal prayers, and events, while pouring out my tears, questions, and fears.
Journaling helped me process the noise of “fightings without, fears within” (2 Corinthians 7:5). I honestly felt (and still feel) that each page was a
personal communication between God and me. A lot of what I have written is goobly-gunk now, but each book is a testimony that God got me through many agonizingly slow, lonely days and dark, sleepless nights.
Go Listen to some Soul-Building Music
God also used music to help ease my soul. Please, go listen to some soul-building music.
Right now, you may need prayerful, sorrowful songs directing your heart to God. My heart understood the rawness felt in the song “Held” as sung by Natalie Grant. More importantly, the words helped me hand my own gasping heart to God, time and time again.
Someone gave me a CD of the Master’s University chorale singing old hymns with Joni Eareckson Tada. If you don’t know who she is, you can listen to her testimony here: Joni Eareckson Tada Testimony
And read about her ministry here: Joni and Friends
Listening to Joni and the chorale sing “A Mighty Fortress is our God,” “Be Thou My Vision,” and other great hymns helped me during the agonizing night hours. She knew suffering. She had earned the right to speak into my soul.
Years later, when times of loneliness overcame me, I found this recording of her singing “I’m not Alone” and it brought comfort to my soul: I’m not Alone song link
When my heart needs a calm focus, a cappella music helps me center in on the message. Whereas, oftentimes, in the morning, I am propelled out of bed with a playlist titled “My Purpose.” Each song reminding me of a calling beyond this world.
Gather a Godly Community Around You
While you encourage yourself with soul-building music, gather a godly community around you.
It will be tempting to isolate yourself and, while there will be times to stay home and times for quiet, don’t let yourself walk away from community. Yes, there will be people who say things that hurt—those people will be instrumental in helping you find your circle. And, just to be clear, those people aren’t in it.
The circle of support that you need will be found, for the most part, in God’s family.
For several years before my husband died, I taught a Sunday school class for women who came to church alone. There is a particular irony in this. After taking a few weeks off, I continued teaching. These women were my community.
One Sunday morning, I stood before them. Weeping in exhaustion, heartbroken, and overwhelmed, I asked them to please pray for me. There. Then.
Gently they took me and sat me in a chair. Gathering around, they placed their hands on me and one by one began to pray. Oh, how God used those women that day to put strength back into my soul.
Today, I am blessed with another godly community that laughs and cries with me, upholds me in prayer, keeps me accountable, and even eats chocolate with me when necessary. That is, they help me remember joy when I can’t see it.
Get out of Bed
God has a community for you. To find them you will have to get out of bed.
There will be days when you don’t feel like getting out of bed, especially Sunday. I don’t mean the “I’m just tired,” or “I am bored,” or “I don’t want to go to work,” kind of get out of bed. I mean the “I can’t get out of bed because I cannot face this pain anymore. It would be okay with me if God took me in my sleep.” I get that. I have been there. Many times.
It doesn’t matter what you think about you right now—or, heaven forbid, what you think others think about you. What matters is what God thinks about you. And right now, God loves you, and He is not through with you.
So, get out of bed. Wash your face. Get dressed. Each time you do, you kick the enemy in the teeth, and there is a victory in that.
Get yourself a Counselor
Kicking the devil in the teeth is what good biblical counselors are trained to do. With that thought—get yourself a counselor (see resources section).
It may be your pastor, but I suspect that he may recommend you to a biblical counselor–someone far enough removed from your situation that you can talk to freely. He or she needs to be someone that you are comfortable with, who will listen in love without judgment.
Unfortunately, many people will simply hand a grieving person a Bible Band-Aid. That’s what people usually do when they don’t know what to say and want to help or just want to get you to be quiet, because your pain makes them too uncomfortable. Sadly, most Christians don’t know what to do with intense grief and hard situations.
Don’t misunderstand me here. We need scripture in hard times. But we need it applied correctly, at the right time, and one step, one layer at a time. Biblical counselors are trained to listen in love and give the truth in love.
If possible, find a biblical counselor that has experience counseling those who have experienced trauma or intense grief.
Friends are essential to have, but the burden you bear merits extra consideration. First of all, continually pouring out your heart and desperation to a friend may put a strain on your relationship.
You are going to have a lot of things rumbling around inside of your head and heart that will need to be pulled out into the light. Things beyond heartbreak. Things like shame, blame, fear, anger, and forgiveness. Questions for God and regarding others. Decisions you need to make that would benefit from an objective but God-honoring viewpoint. Things that not just anybody will understand.
I didn’t know what to expect the first day I went to see my counselor. He had a doctorate in something way over my head and a Seminary Master’s degree in Bible. The number one thing I remember about that day is that he listened with kindness and grace. Before I left that hour, he told me two things.
First of all, he said that, in light of all I had been through, I was doing great. I didn’t feel great. It felt like the word failure was emblazoned across my forehead. And yet, I sensed he meant what he said, and because of that, I walked out with a fraction more confidence than I had when I came. In time, my confidence was renewed as I learned to rest in what God thought of me. But, in that moment, this stranger’s words meant the world to me.
Somehow, in that statement, he gave me permission to grieve at my own pace. I wasn’t a failure because I didn’t “snap out of it.” My grief (masked as best I could from day to day, yet fully uncovered in his office) wasn’t a sign of a lack of faith.
Then he said, “Melissa, you are now finding out if you really believe what you once said you believed.”
In the weeks and months to come, his insight was what I needed for that leg of my journey.
I found out that everything I believed wasn’t in the Bible.
But everything I believed that was in the Bible was true.
Most of all, each day led me deeper into the absolute confidence that God is faithful.
Glance Around
Here is where I want to encourage you to glance around.
There is a natural tendency to become myopic in our grief—that is, to turn inward and forget others. Glancing around occasionally and asking the Lord who you can encourage or come alongside will help to prevent this. There is joy found in serving others.
Just a few months after my husband died, an elderly neighbor passed away. The last thing I wanted to do was to go and acknowledge another death. I wanted to go into my house, close the door, and pretend I didn’t know. Duty led me to the grocery store to buy a bouquet, then walk up the stairs to Shera’s porch and ring the doorbell.
Her married daughter answered the door, and even though Shera wasn’t receiving visitors, she pulled me into the house and took me directly to her mother. We sat together at the kitchen table, hand in hand, with tears in our eyes. She said, “I know you understand.” And I did.
That’s what 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 is all about for the believer. Yes, we must know our limitations and be careful that we not try to numb our pain or make-up for our misplaced shame with service (I have been so guilty of this), but we also need to be careful to listen to the Spirit’s voice regarding the needs of others.
I am so glad that I didn’t ignore Shera’s pain. Prayerfully, I asked God to let her see the love of Jesus in me, and in doing so, my heart’s ache was also eased a little.
Gratitude
Practice gratitude. It isn’t always easy, but, if we are intentional about it, God will open our eyes and heart to the grace and beauty around us. Pick up a note card or your journal and begin recording the mercies He sends. Then, remember that He promises new mercies for each day.
“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)
Give yourself Grace
And, finally—please, give yourself grace.
I wish I had given myself more grace—but I had a lot to learn about the subject of grace. The expectations I placed on my shoulders were far more stringent then those from others. And I failed. A lot.
But did I really? Is there a manual on how to handle heartbreak perfectly? Even Job struggled with despair and disappointment. I hope you get my point.
We are not God. We are messed-up sinners, saved by grace. And, oh, what a freedom there is in embracing that truth.
So, lighten up on yourself. Be patient. Don’t set timetables to be better or try to adhere to anyone’s standard of healing—including your own. The truth is, you aren’t ever going to “get over” this, but with God’s help, you can, and you will get through it.
The truths found in Psalm 103:13-14 have often comforted me,
“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”
Our heavenly Father doesn’t chastise us for our inability to “move on.” He understands that we are human and dust. He made us from that dust (Genesis 2:7), He formed us in the womb (Psalm 139:13-17), and He has plans for a future and hope for each of His children (Jeremiah 29:11; John 15:11; Philippians 1:6).
If you know Him personally, that includes you. If you don’t have the peace and assurance that comes from being a child of God, please email me: melissa@melissadawnbaker.com. It would be my joy to talk with you about how you can also have the God who heals the brokenhearted walk with you.
Melissa, I so appreciate your words. Thank you for sharing with us so we can know better how to encourage others. I’m grateful for your willingness to share from your experience in order to help people! God is shining through you!
Sara, would you please pray that these written words here would go out to those who need special grace? Thank you!
Melissa,
Thank you for your heartfelt writings. I love reading them they are so inspiring and see how God has brought you through this horrible journey.
One of your dad’s favorite verses was Romans 8:28.
The day he died that verse became real to me and God has helped me through many difficulties with that verse. I share it lots with others.
The Phillips family testimony and knowing all of you has meant more to me and my family than words can express.
Love you
Nora Hemphill
Nora, your faithful walk with the Lord has been an encouragement and blessing to the Phillips’ family also! Another verse my dad loved was Philippians 3:10, “That I may know Him…” that was his goal and I pray it will continue to also be our goal. Thank you for your prayers that others will be drawn closer also to the Lord through my writing. Sending love!
These words are written by one who has come through the valley with the Lord and has proven His grace is sufficient. We all face a valley if we are to become all that God desires us to be, some it makes better and others just bitter. This outline of grace at work is a blessing. Thank you Mrs B.
Yes, His grace is what gets us through and helps us become more like His Son – even when the valley is deep.
Thank you for sharing. ❤️ Your faithfulness and faith in God amidst trials is very encouraging.
God bless you, April. He truly gets all the glory!
Melissa you have always been an inspiration to me and your heart exposed even more so. I love you and may God bless you.
Pam💕🙏
It’s amazing how God works. I was unable to sleep and God directed me to your website. As I read every word you wrote and the scripture associated with it, it helped me to better understand my current feelings and what I need to do to change. Thank you.
Rose
It is amazing how God works, Rose! I am praying for you as you put into practice what He has shown you to do. He walks with us.
I just read this with tears. My situation is different — my husband didn’t die, but he is gone as he walked out on our family a year ago when I was 3 months pregnant with our fourth child. It feels like a death and I needed to read this. Thank you. ❤
Dear Melissa, we share a name and a deep wound. I am so sorry for your hurt and all that you carry. Please know that I am praying for you right now. Philip Yancey said, “Hope is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” May you continue to cling to our God of all hope, He does heal the brokenhearted (Psalm 147:3). Sending love <3
I just wanted you to know I have come back and read your comment more than a few times over the past two years. Thank you for your encouragement !! ❤️
God bless you! Thank you for staying faithful in a hard place.